The Silencing of America
Associated Press / The Ivan Von Noshrilgram Foundation
WASHINGTON, DC - This week, Google and Amazon made public their negotiations with the Library of Congress in Washington and a Senate subcommittee over the legal right to purchase, and possess indefinitely, the copyright of vowels. Presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, who, until recently spearheaded the Senate Subcommittee for Literacy Reform, reported in the Washington Post on Wednesday that the proposal included all vowels. Later that evening, however, he was forced to back down from this claim, stating, “In fact, it will be the five ‘power vowels,’ that is, ‘A’, ‘E’, ‘I’, ‘O, ‘U’, and, unfortunately, only sometimes 'Y'.” Those present said he looked sad as he added the latter clause. Samsung, Nokia, and AT & T have announced that they are investigating the copyrighting of the hard consonants, ‘K’, ‘T’ and ‘B’, which, some say, makes economic sense.
Mitt Romney, though no longer officially representing the Senate Subcommittee for Literacy Reform, has pointed out that the American government has a clear fiduciary duty to the American public. “Americans expect our actions to be in agreement with our stated aims. We’ve said we’ll balance the budget. Let’s show them how to do it!” Romney was quick to state that the present negotiations only concern the American alphabet and will not “in any way” affect its trading partners. "That's a promise China!" Romney said, his two thumbs up.
Supporters of the proposal say this will provide a real, and much needed, boost to the economy. A pay-as-you-go plan has been proposed that would make the vowels, and possibly in the future, the hard consonants, if not the entire alphabet, available to the American public, for an affordable price. It is speculated that the top 1% will choose a one-time fee that could be extended one or more generations. Spokespeople for Amazon assures the public that rates will be very competitive. “We’re on the public's side with this one!” Republican Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, states, “This will absolutely help fund much needed services that have been hardest hit by the economic downturn, like our public schools.” He speculated that lower income families would initially receive subsidies to continue to use the language outside of such public institutions. …Your voices matter to us!”
Obviously an element of trust and good citizenry will be expected, at least until the technology is in place.
Detractors point out that all of this is akin to The Great Land Grab of the 1800’s. In addition, it’s argued that implementing the proposed reform will be next to impossible and cost tax-payers millions. “And anyway,” states Vice President Biden, “access to language is a fundamental human right. The alphabet belongs to everyone, doesn’t it?”
“Nope,” says Bill O’Reilly, host of The O’Reilly Factor and one of the proposal’s staunchest supporters. “Did you invent the English language?” he asked Amy Goodman on Wednesday’s heated broadcast of Democracy Now! “No.” He continued. “And, I suggest, Amy, that if you are using it, just as I am, admittedly, then you are in a position akin to squatting. …Unless you pay for every phoneme you consume.”
“I’d say I’m speechless Bill, but I’m sure that would cost me more than I could afford.” Amy Goodman is reported to have responded.
“Actually, that’ll be a dollar fifty Amy,” said Bill O’Reilly.
“No one has purchased the vowels yet, Bill.”
“And if you don’t own them, but you use them, and you don’t pay, don’t be surprised if there’s some form of legal action. The free ride is over! And don’t come crying to me, or anyone else, unless it’s with consonants, exclusively. If bleeding hearts have a problem with this proposal, heck, I say go and invent your own language!”
“…Or go back to their own country.”
“Sure Amy. That’s fine with me.”
“I don’t like it. I'm American.”
“Amy, it needs to be stated. In the end, the alphabet has gotta be regulated. We need to know where it is and how it’s being used, all the time, perhaps for national security reasons! Outside of book sales and now publishing, which, of course, Amazon is famous for, no one REALLY knows what the vowels have been up to...”
“Google says they too have been concerned for sometime,” said Goodman.
“...Thank you Amy.”
President Obama, as of yet, has had no words to say on the matter. However, a former White House Press Secretary, speaking on conditions of anonymity says, "Clearly, this is just How To Lose Your Voice Without Screaming.”
Act now before it's too late.
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How To Lose Your Voice
by Alistair Octavius Vogan