tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23711653.post8379340172533006488..comments2013-04-29T16:28:16.713+09:00Comments on The Ivan Von Noshrilgram Foundation: Chapter four - Let Us Not Forget You Are A PrisonerAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06625232854142562397noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23711653.post-84841720192047238032012-04-02T02:24:22.359+09:002012-04-02T02:24:22.359+09:00Great! All of this is very helpful. Thanks!Great! All of this is very helpful. Thanks!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06625232854142562397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23711653.post-60467402432497659102012-04-01T18:29:02.163+09:002012-04-01T18:29:02.163+09:00It was beyond ridiculous too even say that she was...It was beyond ridiculous too even say that she was too good for him – the first ‘too’ should be a ‘to’.<br />eyebrows to quiver. <br /><br />“Mom, I met him!” Martha’s voice boomed. - I think this needs something to separate the two scenes. A quick *** might do it, just so that I don’t have to read the line before realizing that the speaker has changed.<br />Her breathing increased rapidly. “Uh-huh” she said slowly while nodding, an emotional distance growing between the two.- is this between her and her mother, or between her breathing and her nodding?<br />She’d have signed the form, and the celebrated. – and then celebrated?<br />The man saw Kingsley relax noticeably as he tore into the asphalt. – it seems odd. The idea of a connection is there, but it isn’t explained, so hangs as an unanswered question, ‘Why did Kingsley relax?<br />debating loudly about things he didn’t try to follow or the odd, - I think this needs a comma after follow.<br />In fact, he was an architect, painter, poet and sculptor and a major influence of the High Renaissance movement he’d heard someone say as he left the building. – lost me here. I think it’s a fact or it’s something he heard someone say, but not both.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15252633618516984383noreply@blogger.com